how to: write a textbook

So as I'm learning super cool facts, I've decided to start a new section called "how to" in which you will learn "how to" either become awesome or just do something really useful. Today I will sardonically praise oceanography, I will expound upon "how to" write a magnificent oceanography textbook. (Based off of Tom Garrison's Essentials of Oceanography: 5th edition)

- Create hundreds of ambiguous and complex graphs. If anything could explain how the earth was formed, it would have to be a picture of molecules, arrows, "gas clouds" and specks of floating dust with a caption that says "not to scale" (pg. 8).

-Buy stock photos of things that look like Stephen Spielberg made them in 1980. (pg 9,10,29,etc.)

-Take lots of pictures of yourself doing things vaguely related to the ocean. Namely in front of rocks, looking through telescopes, holding hermit crabs, etc. (pg. vii, 37, 324)

-Know everything about the ocean. While it will help you actually write the textbook, you will also finally be the popular guy at parties.

-The hardest part of writing an oceanography textbook, is actually getting to know the emotions of animals. Once you have mastered this, you truly know the ocean intimately; forever will you be bonded. Mr. Garrison is the only known human to have successfully done so. "Sharks have an undeservedly bad reputation. Like other cartilaginous fishes, sharks are not very intelligent and certainly don't hold grudges"    (pg. 311). Unfortunately for Mr. Garrison, when I am intimately bonded with sharks, I am going to tell them he thinks they are unintelligent. Consequently they will probably hold a grudge against him.

The good news: we may all be great textbook authors now. Bad news: I am going to fail my oceanography exam.

depressed.

So I was watching CNN today. This rarely happens as I cannot stand to pay attention to real time news for more than 5 minutes unless it is peppered with humor. News anchors aren't typically know for their sense of humor, except for Ron Burgundy, and unfortunately he is fictional. As I was watching I realized nearly every commercial was for some form of prescription drug, with most of them curing depression. I found some curious similarities in these commercials:

-Nearly all of them take place near water. I've heard drowning is a pleasant way to die. How exactly do we know that is a comfortable way to die? I assume it would be fairly difficult to communicate this piece of knowledge posthumously.

-Many of them are in black in white. Go watch Casablanca or pretty much any movie made prior to color. They make me want to kill myself.

-Several are of people walking along cliffs/ ominous hills in a setting much like the Pacific Northwest. Which part of the country has the highest amount of rainfall? The Pacific Northwest. What makes people sad? Rain. Where is the best place to film a clinically depressed person? Along a cliff. Now that is some real encouragement. Jump! You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Now if you want a real subject who screams postpartum depression check out this Native American sculpture that I found in our rental house.

At first it scared the crap out of me. Then it really scared the crap out of me. She is clearly not enjoying the one on one time she is spending with 5 creepy Indian children. I'm pretty sure she is praying for some sort of escape from her plight, hence the obvious plea to heaven. And I can't tell exactly what her plight is- the unfortunate hairstyle, large number of children, or what are certainly to be clumsy rectangular feet. If pfizer really needs an example of a depressed subject, look no further.

expert.

I was walking up the tremendous hill (slight slope) towards Dallas Hall when I heard someone yelling my name. Fearing insanity, I was relieved when I saw my friend flagging me down near the fountain. We were catching up on summer, travel and television when she hit me with the question of "Where do you want to go to grad school?" I was stunned.

1.) I am a sophomore. Am I supposed to stay awake at night agonizing over something that is literally years away from me?
2.) Most people haven't chosen their major yet. Pretty sure that's a pre-rec for grad school.
3.) What is this push into becoming an expert?

The last thing I ever want to be labeled as is an "expert." To me the process of becoming a specialist includes the act of ignoring a vast amount of information not directly related to your expertise. I enjoy learning about other things too much to focus on one thing. According to Morgenthau, man is to be a composite:

"A man who was nothing but a "political man" would be a beast, for he would be completely lacking in moral restraints. A man who was nothing but "moral man" would be a fool, for he would be completely lacking in prudence. A man who was nothing but" religious man" would be a saint, for he would be completely lacking in worldly desires."

There is simply too much in this world to learn from to sit in a library all day and read the same words rearranged into different sentences. Advanced education is great, but ignoring our environment is a gross misuse of information. Some of the most valuable lessons I've acquired didn't come from a lecture hall. The most formidable teachers are cashiers, the homeless, and bus drivers. Education lies in the off chance you'll take time to listen and learn from them.

instant gratification.

Yesterday I woke to the sound of no rain falling. So basically I woke up to the sound of normal life activity. But it was overcast. Gazing through the leaves I found myself assuming that it was going to be a crisp fall day. And with that thought came the emotions of fall and winter- scarves, cocoa, and at Christmas, the loosely knit camaraderie of acquaintances. I wanted it to be fall yesterday. It was September 1st- in my almanac that is fall. The leaves should be falling right now- and not just because we have a level orange air pollution watch. I ached for fall.

But nothing good comes without patience. Fine wines, pregnancy, and the owner of the *worlds longest mustache prove that good things come to those who wait. So for now I will be patient. I will wait and anticipate autumn in this tropical wasteland.

*if a long mustache is your hearts desire. Or in this case, a fanciful mustache. Question: how is this man bald yet have such an excessive amount of hair in other locations? (Note: that is not a scarf.)

creativity.

The following excerpt was from an assignment for a creativity course I am taking this semester.

So basically if you're creative, you're set for life. "The first boy was eaten alive, and the second jogged off to safety"
1.) I'm pretty sure the second boy wasn't jogging to safety. If it was me, I would be booking it out of that crazy forest. Just saying.
2.) Could you have worse consequences for what would seem like a moralistic story on creativity? "The first boy was eaten alive." So I guess if you're not creative, chances are you'll be EATEN ALIVE at some point.
3.) The severity of the smart boy's consequence reminds me of some important lessons from George Sr. on Arrested development: the following is a short clip:



And that's why you should always be creative.