So as I'm learning super cool facts, I've decided to start a new section called "how to" in which you will learn "how to" either become awesome or just do something really useful. Today I will sardonically praise oceanography, I will expound upon "how to" write a magnificent oceanography textbook. (Based off of Tom Garrison's Essentials of Oceanography: 5th edition)
- Create hundreds of ambiguous and complex graphs. If anything could explain how the earth was formed, it would have to be a picture of molecules, arrows, "gas clouds" and specks of floating dust with a caption that says "not to scale" (pg. 8).
-Buy stock photos of things that look like Stephen Spielberg made them in 1980. (pg 9,10,29,etc.)
-Take lots of pictures of yourself doing things vaguely related to the ocean. Namely in front of rocks, looking through telescopes, holding hermit crabs, etc. (pg. vii, 37, 324)
-Know everything about the ocean. While it will help you actually write the textbook, you will also finally be the popular guy at parties.
-The hardest part of writing an oceanography textbook, is actually getting to know the emotions of animals. Once you have mastered this, you truly know the ocean intimately; forever will you be bonded. Mr. Garrison is the only known human to have successfully done so. "Sharks have an undeservedly bad reputation. Like other cartilaginous fishes, sharks are not very intelligent and certainly don't hold grudges" (pg. 311). Unfortunately for Mr. Garrison, when I am intimately bonded with sharks, I am going to tell them he thinks they are unintelligent. Consequently they will probably hold a grudge against him.
The good news: we may all be great textbook authors now. Bad news: I am going to fail my oceanography exam.
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