Sunday, October 3, 2010

thought buffet.

I can't put together cohesive thoughts so I'm probably just going to blurt out whatever I am thinking.

I was using Irish Spring body wash tonight and as I was reading the label I found something curious. Irish Spring is for "healthy feeling skin." My skin isn't really healthy after I use this soap, it just feels that way. Thanks for your concern Irish Spring, the skin is the body's largest organ- and my skin will never be healthy thanks to your slacking soap; it will merely feel healthy.

Why does blogger have an "uncategorized" category. Labeling something as uncategorized defeats the purpose, by uncategorizing, you're categorizing.

Only the utmost for these teeth.
Are roundabouts all that efficient? Europeans got a lot of things right like oil companies, world war and dental care, but roundabouts mess up the suburban grid system that Americans seem to love. I guess they are a great place to put some superfluous art- especially modern sculptures. And If you like to incite anger in your fellow man and drive in circles it is the road structure for you. Maybe they're not all that bad.

rational.

I have developed a little iced coffee fetish. This is a problem because 1.) It is pre-sweetened, meaning it is undoubtedly filled with aspartame and sucralose- and will eventually deteriorate my body. 2.) This mixed with caffeine... probably not a great health choice. 3.) Its 7-11 coffee. Which brings me to the size of cups they sell.

Its idiotic. They sell a medium and a large. Really? Not a small and a large, but a medium and a large. But take their other liquid sizing into consideration- they sell the gulp, big gulp, super big gulp, and double gulp. For who exactly is 16 oz a gulp? That is ridiculous. At least these names are descriptive.

With Starbucks though, the sizing makes no sense whatsoever. Are you kidding me? Tall, grande and venti. Well I guess I'll take a venti because that sounds like a rational amount of liquid, right?

You know what, I think I'll stick with the medium and large.

ethic.

Just me. Mowing the lawn on a typical day. In heels.
I've gotten to the root of all of America's problems. Well maybe just a few. You may ask, "How did you discover such a solution?" Well, it all started when I was mowing the lawn. One day a week this summer I mowed lawns, which is a fairly lucrative business that also provides me with a swank farmers tan. Because all I do is push a lawnmower, I have ample time to think. About 3 weeks ago, two maids took a picture of me mowing. I of course posed for the picture like a retard. This event made me realize that lawn mowing, specifically the fact that most people pay a service to mow their lawn instead of doing it themselves, could possibly be at the root of every one (or some) of America's problems.

1.) Childhood obesity/ boredom/ overall laziness: send your child to fat/summer camp or make them push the mower. By making your child mow the lawn they exercise, watch a little less tv, and spend some time outdoors. Yes- it is hot, but they are spry, and need to understand that if they are ever stranded in a remote desert, they can and will survive. Its just a form of heat training. Bear Grylls does it, so its hip.

2.) Economic issues: Pay your kid to work in the yard. Teach your kid that hard work=money. Responsible credit is the way of the future. Unfortunately a growing number of people don't know the definition of "responsible".

3.) Allergies: Take your child out of their sterile environments. Breathe in some pollen infested air. Unless you're freakishly allergic to airborne pathogens, you'll be okay- and might even overcome a few allergies. And for those who live in the city, the smog/ chemical cloud will resurface your lungs. Its a win-win situation.

4.) Callus: If there is one thing I know, the lotion industry is suffering a serious decline. With some callused hands, we can turn things around for lotion producers. But if you don't want to be known as a pansy at say, a family reunion comprised mostly of 80+ year old farmers, skip the lotion. Callus is a sign of character. Just like when people describe the flaws in furniture- they somehow translate into character. That wooden desk that is so warped that the drawers won't open, its got too much character to handle.

I will keep thinking of ways lawn mowing solves complex global issues. But please use these ideas as character developers- and I don't mean the flaw kind of character. Mow your lawn!

superheros.

I’ve been thinking a little bit about superheros. I don’t know anything about them or their powers, but with the help of superhero database.com (yes, this is real) I’ve done a little research and have decided that the lesser known heros, are the “real” people we should be thanking.

1.) She-hulk: Her occupations are: lawyer, Magistra of the Living Tribunal. While I honestly have no idea what she does as “magistra of the living tribunal," I commend her for completing law school. That’s real persistance right there.

 2.) Juggernaut: Apparently he is 900 lbs. Can you imagine the crap he took in middle school? Also his parents clearly had access to a thesaurus and the WB’s Friday night smackdown. If anything screams abusive childhood, its a 900 lb boy whose name means bully.

3.) The Green Lantern: basically I have no idea what his powers are, but seriously, his name is the “green lantern”. If a kid wants to read a comic about anything, it must be the one that highlights light emitting devices prior to electricity.

I applaud these superheros, and the others for their fake powers and made up life scenarios. If there is anything the world needs right now, its a secondary imaginary world filled with more evil than our current one being fought by people with really messed up histories and powers that are almost always at one point used for evil. Thanks Marvel.

Friday, October 1, 2010

bear and bull.

I’ve been having to read about the economy of late and it is not my thing. While I was reading I started to think about the bear and bull market. Whoever developed this concept was stupid. But they went down in history. Well probably not- I don’t know their name and I’m not going to google them.


The epitome of maturity.
Why does bull mean the market is doing well? If there is one thing you don’t want to name or associate a positive market with is a word that usually followed with shit. And why the bull? Its not a particularly happy creature. Most of the time they’re persuaded into being gored by Spaniards with fancy red fabric. Not the most intuitive or clever animal. And really? That whole Merrill- Lynch statue. It certainly has two noticeably “prominent” features. So basically when our economy is “good” we associate it will a dull, unhappy and indecently exposed animal.


Now the bear. While they may not be the most embraceable of animals, they are certainly better than the bull. First you have endless cartoons of kind, friendly and helpful bears. Winnie the Pooh, Yogi, and Baloo (from the Jungle Book) are compassionate and helped little boys (Christopher Robin and Mowgli.) I’m not sure if the second characteristic is positive, it could however qualify them for status as a sex offender or Catholic Priest. Nonetheless, they are helpful. Speaking of helpful- look at Smoky the bear. He is protecting our Earth from forest fires politely and also fully dressed. By wearing pants, he is already more appropriate and professional than most of the deep south. Only he could pull off that hat.



I don’t know how the leaders of our fair nation don’t see it. The bear is clearly much more accurate representation of a strong market economy. Maybe Smokey can figure out how to save our economy. Maybe he’ll do something intelligent, like borrow trillions of dollars and throw it at forest fires, and then we can give park rangers who start the fires by burning old love letters a bonus. Thats it. Problem: solved.

authenticity.

I can't remember where I heard this, (I think maybe from a movie called Art & Copy) but its the concept that "The biggest risk you can take is to be authentic." Could that be more true?  So many people make decisions because they conform to what their surroundings have approved. What is the best example of this:


Have you ever seen a Barbie with an imperfection? Does Barbie ever come with scars or freckles? Okay her legs are so long that if she was flexible enough I'm pretty sure she could use them as a jump rope. While she has branched out to other activities other than managing her dream mansion from her pink limo, (she had a short and illustrious career at McDonalds before she opened her own pet grooming business) barbie fits into a plastic mold of conformism in every scenario. And I meant that very literally. While I guess somebody has to perfect, I'm so thankful I'm not.


I'm posting this like a week later: So I was reading a blog today, and did I ever find barbies who take risks.



A Boy George doll. Thats one definition of authenticity.

bird.

One of the most frightening experiences I've had is grocery shopping at the Kroger on Mockingbird and Greenville on a Sunday afternoon. There were people every where. I accidentally bumped into some guys shoulder and between the offensive words my mind refused to translate, I think he may have threatened to sue me. As a result I either do my grocery shopping early in the morning or late at night. Night grocering is much more relaxing than it sounds. The other morning I was selecting vegetables and I kept hearing chirps. Everywhere I went, little chirps followed, reverberating off an endless assortment of colorful boxes. I looked up and a little chi-chi bird was staring down at me from the rafters, seemingly pleading for my help in its quest for escape. 

This bird could only focus on one thing. The sliding doors at the front of the store. If only he looked around. Is there a better place for a bird to be? Every fruit and vegetable at his talon-tips, even birdseed. No offense to Weiden and Kennedy, but could you really get a better nest than cotton candy? 

Everyone narrows their focus on one thing. We miss so much by not looking around, and taking advantage of what we have at our finger tips (thank God we don't have talons). We are all birds in a grocery store, missing the colorful rows of boxes, that in all actuality will clog our arteries and cause diabetes. Scratch that. We are all birds in a Barnes and Noble. Look around. 


Maybe we shouldn't let birds into a bookstore.