veg.

I am a vegetarian. I don't really tell people- because most vegetarians really like to tell the world they DON'T EAT MEAT!!! (That was me shout typing). And they get annoyed. But I really do think the Catholics kind of got the no red meat on Friday thing right. Why don't I eat meat?

1.) Socially: meat packing plants recruit illegal immigrants to work in their factories. Working in such a factory is one of the most dangerous jobs in America. Illegal immigrants means no insurance benefits, and many times they call the immigration department and deport workers the day before pay checks are handed out. Chicken farmers rarely make any real wages as the large companies that sell the birds- Tyson, usually pocket most the profits. The average American chicken farmer is $20,000 or more in debt.

2.) I do feel bad for the animals. Last Thanksgiving I was helping my mom transfer our turkey from oven to pan. There was so much meat on the bird its spine snapped mid- transport. That likely means that turkey never walked. Sad day. Plus those antibiotics can't be good for humans.

I still like leather though.

Naturally I don't hunt. I just don't like to kill things. But I do help out with animal population control with the band Deerhunter. As a vegetarian, this is really the only way I can help check their population.



Maybe you could give it a try for a couple of days, or even a week. Last week was a year for me. You should also give Deerhunter a try too. They're good live.

care.

I am a big fan of The Roots. In particular, their song How I got Over is one of my favorites.



While I really like this song- the chorus I think is really positive.

"Out on the streets where I grew up, first thing the teach ya is not to give a f. This kind of thinking will get you no where. Someone has to care."

While I grew up on the rough streets of Plano, I feel as an individual who is slightly more affluent than the average citizen I have a greater responsibility to care.

Someone has to care. And the onus is on me. I can't just walk around blithely thinking someone else out there is caring. I have the ability and time to care. I just have to look up and around me. This Christmas- I am going to care. That angel tree had better watch its back.

acrostic.

If you think about it acrostic poems are a two-for-one deal, especially if you have a long name/ title

This example is ridiculous. If your father is a monster chasin' ever lastin' real love, you are definitely from the south.  People that speak English call these -ing verbs or gerunds. Either way, you have to use a G.

1.) Whoever writes/ makes it for you usually puts a nice title on the side. My most recent was BEST FRIEND FOREVER. That was a long acrostic.
2.) I love being praised for every letter listed. Who doesn't?

But. Acrostics can also be used for evil.

B- backstabbing*
I- ignorant
T- tuls, which is slut spelled backwards
C- crazy.
H- hair, yours is my favorite hair: ugly category.

*this does not come from a real life event. I love humanity. Generally.

Please. Use your poetry for good and not for evil and never cross to the dark side- especially in literary circumstances.

imitate.

I saw a commercial for this children's tool bench. Yes this picture is cute, but I would really love to know what is behind the camera. I'm thinking its probably not cheese to warrant that large of a smile. I think its awesome that a kid would desire such a toy to imitate their parents, but I think maybe a tool bench isn't quite hitting the mark. To authentically imitate a parent a kid would need several things:

As my roommate calls it: the power suit.

Poor American children are being tricked everyday into thinking their parents are carpenters. But you- can help stop the madness. Give your children things to make them grow up faster. Calculators, socks and legal pads make excellent gifts. But if you happen to be Norm Abrahams (or in his accent Nahm Abryams) stick with the tool set.

spongebob.

Who is my hero? That would not be my parents or some political figure. That would be spongebob. Yes I am 20 years old.

Why Mr. Squarepants?
1.) He loves life- every aspect of it. Nothing is routine or mediocre about his days.
2.) He cares deeply for his friends. Patrick Star is retarded, but Spongebob loves him.
3.) Loves his job. In a couple episodes it mentions that Spongebob pays Mr. Krabs to work. That intrinsic all right.
4.) Innocence. Spongebob looks for the best in everyone. Evil doesn't exist in his vocabulary.

I think SMU agrees with me. I wrote my entrance essay about the best lesson I'd ever had or something. I wrote the entire thing about spongebob. And look where I am now...

name.

So my shower curtain is a map of the world. I turned it inside so I could study it while waiting for the conditioner to set in. You don't have to say it 'cause I already know. I'm super cool.

In Russia, the names of the cities are either incredibly simple, or mind-numbingly complex.

You can live in Orol, or in the town of Petropavlovsk-Kamchatskij.

You can live in Kirov or Severnayazemlya.

Hmmm. I count on my fingers. I can barely remember my address. I'll take Orol please. But think about this: the kids that grow up in those crazy cities are probably awesome at spelling and everything else. One day when I own the worlds most competitive pack of children spellers, you know where I recruited them from- Petropavlovsk-Kamchatskij.

tweet.

I feel like twitter was meant to be "short timely" blogs or ideas. Now that they're status updates, and I'm guilty of using tweets as such ever so often, I try to put an idea in my tweets. Here's a few for kicks.

If I was in possession of hay, I would literally be hitting it in this moment.

My aspiration was to get my last name to verb status, like Trump. Just realized my surname is a verb meaning to repeat. I need a new dream.

Bed bath & beyond does have bed and bath, but after reading this week's flyer I'm pretty sure its mostly beyond.

Snider plaza. 5 hours of live music is excessive. Neither my naps or walls are sound proof.

so is porn like "How its Made: Babies Edition?"

I need to get some amish bikinis soon. And by amish bikinis I mean turtlenecks.

Daylight savings time gives me a reason to waste 1 hour. Thanks Benjamin Franklin, for the incentive to waste time by saving it.

Christmas.

The following is a ficticous christmas newsletter from a family that could exist. Theoretically.

Dear, Everyone
This year, we moved into a new house, which is assuredly bigger than yours.
Our kid is the smartest
                       most athletic
                       attractive
                       individual in our
                                            small
                                            closed community.

Our dog is popular too. Just so you know.

We would have made this correspondence rhyme, but our rhyming concordance was lost in the move, and the kindle didn't have enough space to download an entire dictionary.
                                                Have a blessed year,
                                                       "That" family.

paradox.

Life is a big ole paradox.

I don't want to grow up. I don't want to stay young.

I want to live in the future
I want to live in the past.
I have to live in the present.

I desire things I can't see but I exist with the tangible.

I plan it all yet have no control.

The good news: I'm alive and ready for the only thing I'm guaranteed. Change.

anthropomorphic.

Could you imagine if animals had real jobs? The visual in my head right now is Wes Anderson's Fantastic Mr. Fox. Those were some sharp dressed animals.

Parrott: court reporter.
Raccoon: McDonalds hamburgler.
Pigeon: door to door salesman.
Snake: Slick. Liar. So a used car salesman.
Sloth: homeless.
Praying mantis: priest.
Cat: the neighborhood nuisance.
Snail: Marshele, wait, I mean Marcele. (That's not the first time I've done that.)
Dog: the happy sexy fireman that everybody loves, want to be friends with, and secretly wants to be. (Does this character exist in real life?)

passion.

One translation of our political system reveals that it was built upon a realization that humans act upon self-interest. With that understanding, Madison and the other founders built the government to protect others against individual’s passions.

While government has worked decently in the past 200 years or so, I’m not sure if it can stand against these passions.

Phil Davidson: Stark County Treasurer. Never has a man been so “fired up” over simple math and balancing the budget of Stark County Ohio. Did he “fire something up” before making this speech? Most likely. (See what I did there?)



1.) He has a masters degree in communication (clearly) and he is not afraid to yell it at a group of citizens who miraculously showed up for a debate among candidates for the COUNTY. Less than 10% of Americans pay attention to county level politics, and I'm pretty sure Stark County now has 0%. (Or maybe Mr. Davidson is the new entertainment- 87% turn out next year?)

2.) I'm not exactly sure what he is angry about. Is there a lot of corruption in the middle of Ohio?

3.) I keep expecting him to yell "This is Sparta! STARK COUNTY!"

Jimmy McMillan: candidate for New York Governor. Potentially one of my favorite politicians of all time.



History Making Quote: "As a karate expert I will not talk about anyone up here because our children cannot live anywhere. Nowhere. There's no where to go. Why? You said it. The rent is too damn high."

Is there anything better than a handle bar mustache, leather gloves, and nonsensical sentences? I didn't think so.

Although they have provided a large majority of my entertainment the past week, I only hope that our system has the checks and balances to prevent whatever may stem from these passionate individuals.

awkward.

It's almost Christmas time. Which means in the marketing world its time to overlook the accomplishments of the Pilgrims in order to sell more crap to people who more than likely can't afford it and or don't need it.

Today they lit the tree in Snider Plaza. They shipped in ice for a children's toboggan station and lit the tree in conjunction with a fireworks display. I'm pretty sure someone (strategically placed cough-University Park) got a sweet stimulus package this year.

As much as I love the holidays- they can really be weird. My family is weird. I feel like all the black sheep of the universe migrated to my family. The more I think about it, who doesn't have a weird family? Could you imagine if everybody were honest with each other? It would probably get a little weird.

No. I do not like your plastic surgery. 

Wait. Which husband are you talking about. The 6th or the 7th?

We'll leave it at that, I'm not going to take this too far. But the band "Bears" did. And yea though I am typically a proponent of positivity, I kind of like it.

"To all the people we hate, have a terrible year." That's gumption right there.

** NOTE: during Thanksgiving it was really awkward so my mom decided to show off my blog on the iPad. Yes. My entire family read this post. Karma's a bitch**

monologues.

Every time I see an acquaintance walking towards me on the Boulevard I 1.) get excited to see them and 2.) ask them hows it going? Inevitably I get the same answer from everyone. "Fine". And I give the same answer too.

Out of hundreds upon thousands of adjectives and verbs and responses I could give I just say fine, they just say fine. You probably just say fine.

Do we really have connections with one another or do we just live parallel to eachother's fine lives? I think we just have two way monologues.

snow.

Depending upon which one you look at, negative and positive space often times create very different pictures. Every situation in life can be dealt with in the same way. Its all a matter of perspective.

What may be a child's freedom can be an adults warden. Snow. 

socks.

You know that video called "Scarlet Takes a Tumble"? That video has been my life these past months. Well the only difference is that I wasn't acapella kareoke-ing on top of an insecure table. I've fallen down the stairs three times since October. To be fair to me, the first two were basically on the same downhill run. (I fell down half the stairs, collected my thoughts-not long enough, and then fell down the rest of them).

At first I thought it was all on me. I thought I was getting clumsy and just needed to watch my step. But the third time, in which the stairs were extremely wooden, I was getting fed up with Newton and his gravity. I pulled my fake detective pipe out of the drawer and got to ciphering what could be causing me to fall down the stairs. Aha. Socks. My socks were slippery.

I felt better knowing what the culprit of my near death accidents were, but it also prompted me to think who the hell would make slippery socks. Its the same person who put the slippery bananas all over the track in the original MarioKart. (Yep, thats vintage 1998). Its the same person who makes over dyed blue jeans that stain your hands and legs a deathly blue. Its the same person who created the breaking system for the Toyota Prius. The simple fact is that one person created all of these nuisances, and in some cases life threatening conditions. That person is "the man" and to be politically correct, it could also be "the woman." As humans, we must fight back. I fight through laughter. I fight by washing my jeans multiple times. I fight by not driving in front of a Toyota Prius.

We can all fight the wo/man. Through positivity. And by throwing out slippery socks.

And in some cases not singing on top of tables that might need more than four legs to stay upright.

synchronize.

World peace. Its what most of the gorgeous women of the planet desire. And as I am one of them, I would like world peace as well. This is a complete cliche, but I really do want world peace. Do I ever think we will achieve such a lofty goal? No.

So thats that. Most people just do what they want. Individually we look for ways to express ourselves and be happy. But why not try to work towards world peace? Will it hurt? Probably not.

If our communities begin to display peace on a daily basis, eventually all the terrorists will give into peer pressure. Peace is the new black. Its just a thought.

While I feel like I'm writing propaganda brochures for Disney World right now, and the last idea is sarcastic, I do feel like we can all work towards peace. Individual actions influence others (not brainwashed by evil humans), and maybe one day we can all work together happily.

World Peace visual. Feast your earballs.

luck.

It is 12:04 am right now, meaning I have survived 11/10/10, and am currently surviving 11/11/10. Here is a list of things that happened to me today:
Woke up late- 5:55 AM. Late for my run.
Shower: Mostly successful, however ran out of body wash, assumed shampoo would be adequate.
Breakfast: Burned toast, added extra jelly to make up for carcinogen. Incinerated tongue on too dark of coffee.
Second Breakfast: not sure what I ate from umph. It was sticky.
Mid morning: look at awesome running watch. Why is my arm all red. Oh, I’m having an allergic reaction to the metal on my watch. I’m a little annoyed, as I’ve become accustomed to telling the time using that watch.
Enrollment, 11AM: “error, please try again later”- access.smu.edu
Enrollment cont.: 11:30 AM, I’m taking 6 hours next semester, can’t get into any classes I need. Should be easy.
Email, high noon: we accepted 12, you’re 13.
Email, cont.: “please let me in your class, (followed by clever joke made about the name of the class)”- Christy Parrott
Class- bored to death. Professor said my pants looked like the kind communists would wear. Thank you? Note: kissed my 4.0 away between 2-4:30.
5 PM: Marketing research credits. Listen to 5 poorly made advertisements. Rate their generosity levels. (The last thing an ad has is generosity).
5:45- home. Make dinner. Broccoli, red bell pepper noodles. Set the noodles on fire, ate a head of broccoli. That was excessive.
8: 128. Good clean fun.
9:40 sharp- pick up friend, go to purchase coffee.
10:13 sharp- “Disregard Traffic Control Device” Flashing lights. Ticket. Suppression of my authority issues. Goodbye perfect record.
10:25- Made it to crooked tree. Incinerate tongue for the second time today.
Now: going to sleep with one eye open.

I’m pretty sure I was a Bernie Madoff figure in a previous life to get all this karma.
I've known for years that I have bad luck. But that also means I always have the best story to tell.

average.

Today I applied to a class that focuses on Law, Politics and the Supreme Court. This honors course has an expenses paid research trip to the Library of Congress over spring break. I really wanted to do this. I'm not in the honors college. I knew it would be hard. Like really hard. I was supposed to find out if I was accepted by the end of today. Its 1:30 AM. The end of the day was approximately an hour and a half ago. So I'm pretty sure I didn't get in.

1.) I'm a little upset. What an amazing opportunity that would have been.
2.) Why was I upset? Did somebody doubt my intelligence? Would people have viewed me as "exceptional" if I was to go on such a trip? Am I average now?

MLIA. My life is average. Is that so bad? Everybody can't be exceptional at everything. So much of my drive to take the class was so I could do something exceptional. But you know what? I'm average. And thats great. It just opens up a door for something else in my life to become exceptional. And at least that door may hold something more interesting than law, politics and the Supreme Court.

The following is from mylifeisaverage.com:

Today, I flicked a little spider off my table, and as soon as I looked at it, it stopped running and played dead. Then when I went down to finish the job, it ran away. How could I kill a creature THAT smart? MLIA


How can you not love being average?

perspective.

I was reading National Geographic, or as the popular people call it "nat geo", about seven years ago. In the back they had a question and answer section. I would flip through the magazine, look at the pictures, avoid the words, and then read this half a page Q&A section. The following is a Nat Geo fact:

At the horizon line the human eye can see for 7 miles with good conditions. 

My mom calls me to either A.) rant about politics and then hang up so I cannot share my viewpoint or B.) tell me about a metaphor she recently read. Clearly our conversations are extremely insightful. But here I am after all these years of metaphor conversation, I am using one. Quite a familial milestone I am crossing. 

For a human to see 7 miles, conditions must be good, for a human to reach success, and thusly see a full 7 miles it takes insight and perspective. Some of the most creative and intelligent people have this dose of this perspective. 

In my world politics book there was a map of the early colonization of the world. It adequately illustrates the necessity of perspective.

Its kind of hard to see from this map, but while other countries were scrambling for territory in the formidable years of empire, Denmark had some real perspective. They grabbed up Greenland and Iceland and put them in its little Danish pocket. 

Am I being sarcastic? Maybe a little, with relation to the industry that Denmark gained from this acquisition. But today I am sure that Denmark is hurting. Look at the remarkable people that come from the fair nation of Iceland. 

This is Jonsi, lead singer of Sigur Ros.

Yes, he wears 1.) body/ face glitter 2.) feathers behind his ears and 3.) ribbons off his arms.

He also happens to produce some swell music.

Secondly: Bjork

She has some curious taste. The unforgettable swan dress. Her music is, well, different. 

Thirdly and lastly, Magnús Scheving, who is an author, actor, athlete, and creator of the show Lazy Town.

Everything about this makes me very nervous.

Conclusion: yes perspective is good

no, Denmark may not have had that much in years past

yes, Icelanders have too much "indoors" time during winter

no, do not let your children watch Icelandic TV.

equations.

Statistics. I've never been particularly skilled at the subject. In fact I remember my classes pretty well. 8 AM, crazy professor who couldn't quite explain what statistics was without a book definition, lots of broken chalk due to a crazy hand grip and writing method. Great memories. Statistics however takes the least mathematic of subjects, humans, and crams them into formulas.

Bell curves and histograms and bar graphs and deviations. Simple representations of grandiose complex beings. How does it work? How can we reduce creatures into formulas?

Life isn't that simple. Actions and behaviors can't always translate into finite equations. Its not bad to make simple models, to try to predict behaviors, but we cannot boil down the experience of a lifetime into a standard formula.  There's too many variables. Slowly culture is standardizing variables to make one correct answer.

There is not one correct answer. We are not a collective whole. Everybody has a different conclusion, and experience is all about finding them.

I'm looking for mine. And I don't need a calculator.

ladder.

I walk by these stairs everyday. If I have to climb a ladder or stairs of success I pray this is my flight.

anticipation.

This Xmas tree is pretty swell.
And you could leave it up all
year and tell people its a
rocket ship.

For me, the best part of the holidays is anticipation. Actually for the most part of all holidays, except lent, anticipation is my favorite part. And I'm not Catholic or Lutheran so I don't really know why I celebrate lent. I usually give up something I'm allergic to, so I guess you know where my heart really lies. Right now I am anticipating Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love Christmas music. Charlie Brown is the bomb, Rudolph is all over that diversity thing, and McCauley Culkin, based on his weirdness factor, will probably always be Home Alone at Christmas.

Why is anticipation the best part? We get to imagine. We imagine situations, food, colors, and feelings. And at Christmas all of these senses are magnified to crazy awesome levels. I think that anticipation is really one of the only ways that Americans really dream and use imagination. Thats why we love it. But Christmas is coming soon. So you best get your imagination fired up.

The song "Christmas is Coming" by Blitzen Trapper is perfect for this imagination/anticipation phase. They really have a unique Christmas experience, including, but not limited to Donkey Kong, making love in stolen cars, and stained slacks. I couldn't find a video. But I found a free legal download for you, of a song I legally purchased the other day. Fantastic lyrics. Fantastic song. Fantastic its almost Christmas, but I still have a ton of work to do sentiment. Enjoy.

compromise.

I'm a political science major and I've been trying really hard to keep my inner geek reigned in so I don't write about something that bores you into a mind numbing oblivion. But its true. I am nerdy cool. I've been reading a lot of political theory of late, and everybody is rather extreme. I however find that extremities, aren't healthy for politics, (and largely should only be attached to the body).

Aristotle once said "Virtue is found in the middle." I agree. Based on the early writings and system of American government, we are a nation of compromise. Somehow, today each party has decided, we are right, everybody else is wrong. I will not even listen to, let alone consider what you think because you are either a donkey/elephant.  Compromise has vanished from the political sphere. And I guess that makes for better c-span.

Nobody is interminably correct. And not listening to others is not going to solve any of the current situations our nation finds itself in. We must find virtue through compromise.

Moderation is healthy. An individual cannot go to extremes and continue to be healthy. Moderation in eating and exercise is necessary, and it desperately needs to be applied to political thought. (And if you think about it, the moderate stance is in the middle of red and blue. Our color would be purple. Purple typically represents royalty. Moderates have a head start, historically we would be royalty. Just sayin') Ready, set, listen to other people and compromise. (This may not be the best use of the phrase, but I think its catchy.)

Smart dude with good style. I hear the Grecian trend is really blowing up next spring.

explosive.

Isn't it kind of fascinating that anything can take on a characteristic. This idea is kind of abstract, but hang with me for at least one more minute. Like a person can choose to be a style or genre or personality. And we can choose. While I know genre is usually used for music or literature, I think a human can be a genre too. While we, to a certain extent, really have no control on exactly who we are, we are born that way, I think its the coolest thing that we can choose. You can reinvent who you are, or clothe yourself with a different style. And at the end of the day, we're all basically the same. We're flesh, blood, and skeleton.

Look at music. Music can embody so many different feelings. Recently, much to the chagrin of my ear drums,  explosive music has been resonating with me. I don't know if you listen to Sleigh Bells, but you should. And you should also love it and dream about it when you sleep. This song is loud. So if you're in church or something don't click on this.



Do you know what is crazy awesome about this? The vocals and music are written by a school teacher. Can you imagine a parent teacher conference. "Well in my free time I write explosive rock music, and make sexually suggestive noises in most songs, and I also teach your children how to read." I love it.

 I love the fact that we can change, can you imagine how horrible life would be if we were forced to only be and live as one entity? There are 6 billion of us on the earth right now. And I am so thankful that I have the liberty and freedom to choose to do what I want. Maybe I will be explosive today. Or not.

lines.

We don't realize it, but our entire world is completely made up of lines. As any good art student would know, lines make up the pictures we see, the rooms in which we live, and everything that surrounds us. In fact they keep us from inappropriate traffic behavior, help us write efficiently on a page, and make up a significant amount of American frustration- lines at the DMV. While they do a lot, lines also make up some pretty useful "learning tools," if you will. Don't believe me? I copied down several that one of my professors uses. Get ready for your mind to be blown.

 

Explanation: "Relationship commitments break barriers of space and time.”

I thought: French bread with ants on it.

 

 Explanation: "The river ends."

I thought: math notation I am definitely not familiar with.

Explanation: "Community leads to greater fulfillment of self"

I thought: messed up symbol for male. Austin Powers would have a heart attack.

Explanation: "Let the inner light shine through."

I thought: if your fruit looks like this, either a 3 year old drew on it with sharpie, or you should definitely throw it out.

 Explanation: “Original intent v. organic and modern translation.”

I thought: out of control pound signs.

Explanation: "This is a treaty."

I thought: how in this world, or in any other does that represent a treaty?

Explanation: I think it says understandings. Too bad I don’t understand that handwriting.

I thought: I cannot believe this class is 3 hours long. I feel like I’m in prison with an older gentleman that stares at me making a fake laughing/ wheezing sound until I laugh at a joke he just made.

Who knew a simple line drawing could mean so much?

 

yield.

After repeatedly asking my dog to sit several hundred times, my mom requested that she yield. Grace immediately sat down. I think she reads the New King James version of the Bible.

legal?

I spent part of my summer in Colorado, where they just legalized medical marijuana. So basically if you get a hangnail, you should smoke some pot. The question remains, should we legalize the drug?

I have an answer: the pizzacone.

This is clearly the result of what had to be a night laced with narcotics. Next time these guys get high they can invent the pizza klondike. I mean with the garlic dipping sauce and toppings the possibilities are endless. Can you imagine a pizza drumstick? This is stupid. Here's how I see it:

1.) Tide is going to sell a ton of detergent now. I can't eat a regular piece of pizza without ruining my shirt, now put it in a dripping cone.

2.) Just like a a drum stick there is probably some exciting surprise at the bottom of this cone. Just like ice cream cones with a chocolate tip,  I was expecting some sort of sausage or cheese. What is actually at the bottom? Adult onset diabetes. Anticlimactic isn't it?

3.) How do you eat this? Just go for the pile of cheese, or the crust? I feel like it would collapse in my hand. Oh its great for traveling, get it to go. I can't imagine eating this while I'm driving. Hot oil all over my hands with a floppy cheese ball going everywhere- definitely conducive to safe driving. Its kind of like driving while eating a chipotle burrito- which is the same size as a newborn baby.

4.) How do you cook this?

While I admire the creativity and imagination that went into producing what is essentially a double dip of cholesterol, I would respect it more if it came naturally, not from narcotics.

Legalize it: probably a bad idea. Retract the probably- its a bad idea.

words.

This video is about John Wayne Gacy Jr., who sexually assaulted and murdered 27 young men, and subsequently buried them in the crawl space of his house.






"And in my best behavior, I'm really just like him. Look beneath the floor boards for secrets I have hid."

While I may not have brutally murdered 27 people, my tongue does not possess much delicacy. How many people have I murdered with my words and actions?

thought buffet.

I can't put together cohesive thoughts so I'm probably just going to blurt out whatever I am thinking.

I was using Irish Spring body wash tonight and as I was reading the label I found something curious. Irish Spring is for "healthy feeling skin." My skin isn't really healthy after I use this soap, it just feels that way. Thanks for your concern Irish Spring, the skin is the body's largest organ- and my skin will never be healthy thanks to your slacking soap; it will merely feel healthy.

Why does blogger have an "uncategorized" category. Labeling something as uncategorized defeats the purpose, by uncategorizing, you're categorizing.

Only the utmost for these teeth.

Are roundabouts all that efficient? Europeans got a lot of things right like oil companies, world war and dental care, but roundabouts mess up the suburban grid system that Americans seem to love. I guess they are a great place to put some superfluous art- especially modern sculptures. And If you like to incite anger in your fellow man and drive in circles it is the road structure for you. Maybe they're not all that bad.

rational.

I have developed a little iced coffee fetish. This is a problem because 1.) It is pre-sweetened, meaning it is undoubtedly filled with aspartame and sucralose- and will eventually deteriorate my body. 2.) This mixed with caffeine... probably not a great health choice. 3.) Its 7-11 coffee. Which brings me to the size of cups they sell.

Its idiotic. They sell a medium and a large. Really? Not a small and a large, but a medium and a large. But take their other liquid sizing into consideration- they sell the gulp, big gulp, super big gulp, and double gulp. For who exactly is 16 oz a gulp? That is ridiculous. At least these names are descriptive.

With Starbucks though, the sizing makes no sense whatsoever. Are you kidding me? Tall, grande and venti. Well I guess I'll take a venti because that sounds like a rational amount of liquid, right?

You know what, I think I'll stick with the medium and large.

ethic.

Just me. Mowing the lawn on a typical day. In heels.

I've gotten to the root of all of America's problems. Well maybe just a few. You may ask, "How did you discover such a solution?" Well, it all started when I was mowing the lawn. One day a week this summer I mowed lawns, which is a fairly lucrative business that also provides me with a swank farmers tan. Because all I do is push a lawnmower, I have ample time to think. About 3 weeks ago, two maids took a picture of me mowing. I of course posed for the picture like a retard. This event made me realize that lawn mowing, specifically the fact that most people pay a service to mow their lawn instead of doing it themselves, could possibly be at the root of every one (or some) of America's problems.

1.) Childhood obesity/ boredom/ overall laziness: send your child to fat/summer camp or make them push the mower. By making your child mow the lawn they exercise, watch a little less tv, and spend some time outdoors. Yes- it is hot, but they are spry, and need to understand that if they are ever stranded in a remote desert, they can and will survive. Its just a form of heat training. Bear Grylls does it, so its hip.

2.) Economic issues: Pay your kid to work in the yard. Teach your kid that hard work=money. Responsible credit is the way of the future. Unfortunately a growing number of people don't know the definition of "responsible".

3.) Allergies: Take your child out of their sterile environments. Breathe in some pollen infested air. Unless you're freakishly allergic to airborne pathogens, you'll be okay- and might even overcome a few allergies. And for those who live in the city, the smog/ chemical cloud will resurface your lungs. Its a win-win situation.

4.) Callus: If there is one thing I know, the lotion industry is suffering a serious decline. With some callused hands, we can turn things around for lotion producers. But if you don't want to be known as a pansy at say, a family reunion comprised mostly of 80+ year old farmers, skip the lotion. Callus is a sign of character. Just like when people describe the flaws in furniture- they somehow translate into character. That wooden desk that is so warped that the drawers won't open, its got too much character to handle.

I will keep thinking of ways lawn mowing solves complex global issues. But please use these ideas as character developers- and I don't mean the flaw kind of character. Mow your lawn!

superheros.

I’ve been thinking a little bit about superheros. I don’t know anything about them or their powers, but with the help of superhero database.com (yes, this is real) I’ve done a little research and have decided that the lesser known heros, are the “real” people we should be thanking.

1.) She-hulk: Her occupations are: lawyer, Magistra of the Living Tribunal. While I honestly have no idea what she does as “magistra of the living tribunal," I commend her for completing law school. That’s real persistance right there.

 2.) Juggernaut: Apparently he is 900 lbs. Can you imagine the crap he took in middle school? Also his parents clearly had access to a thesaurus and the WB’s Friday night smackdown. If anything screams abusive childhood, its a 900 lb boy whose name means bully.

3.) The Green Lantern: basically I have no idea what his powers are, but seriously, his name is the “green lantern”. If a kid wants to read a comic about anything, it must be the one that highlights light emitting devices prior to electricity.

I applaud these superheros, and the others for their fake powers and made up life scenarios. If there is anything the world needs right now, its a secondary imaginary world filled with more evil than our current one being fought by people with really messed up histories and powers that are almost always at one point used for evil. Thanks Marvel.

bear and bull.

I’ve been having to read about the economy of late and it is not my thing. While I was reading I started to think about the bear and bull market. Whoever developed this concept was stupid. But they went down in history. Well probably not- I don’t know their name and I’m not going to google them.

The epitome of maturity.

Why does bull mean the market is doing well? If there is one thing you don’t want to name or associate a positive market with is a word that usually followed with shit. And why the bull? Its not a particularly happy creature. Most of the time they’re persuaded into being gored by Spaniards with fancy red fabric. Not the most intuitive or clever animal. And really? That whole Merrill- Lynch statue. It certainly has two noticeably “prominent” features. So basically when our economy is “good” we associate it will a dull, unhappy and indecently exposed animal.

Now the bear. While they may not be the most embraceable of animals, they are certainly better than the bull. First you have endless cartoons of kind, friendly and helpful bears. Winnie the Pooh, Yogi, and Baloo (from the Jungle Book) are compassionate and helped little boys (Christopher Robin and Mowgli.) I’m not sure if the second characteristic is positive, it could however qualify them for status as a sex offender or Catholic Priest. Nonetheless, they are helpful. Speaking of helpful- look at Smoky the bear. He is protecting our Earth from forest fires politely and also fully dressed. By wearing pants, he is already more appropriate and professional than most of the deep south. Only he could pull off that hat.

I don’t know how the leaders of our fair nation don’t see it. The bear is clearly much more accurate representation of a strong market economy. Maybe Smokey can figure out how to save our economy. Maybe he’ll do something intelligent, like borrow trillions of dollars and throw it at forest fires, and then we can give park rangers who start the fires by burning old love letters a bonus. Thats it. Problem: solved.

authenticity.

I can't remember where I heard this, (I think maybe from a movie called Art & Copy) but its the concept that "The biggest risk you can take is to be authentic." Could that be more true?  So many people make decisions because they conform to what their surroundings have approved. What is the best example of this:

Have you ever seen a Barbie with an imperfection? Does Barbie ever come with scars or freckles? Okay her legs are so long that if she was flexible enough I'm pretty sure she could use them as a jump rope. While she has branched out to other activities other than managing her dream mansion from her pink limo, (she had a short and illustrious career at McDonalds before she opened her own pet grooming business) barbie fits into a plastic mold of conformism in every scenario. And I meant that very literally. While I guess somebody has to perfect, I'm so thankful I'm not.

I'm posting this like a week later: So I was reading a blog today, and did I ever find barbies who take risks.

A Boy George doll. Thats one definition of authenticity.

bird.

One of the most frightening experiences I've had is grocery shopping at the Kroger on Mockingbird and Greenville on a Sunday afternoon. There were people every where. I accidentally bumped into some guys shoulder and between the offensive words my mind refused to translate, I think he may have threatened to sue me. As a result I either do my grocery shopping early in the morning or late at night. Night grocering is much more relaxing than it sounds. The other morning I was selecting vegetables and I kept hearing chirps. Everywhere I went, little chirps followed, reverberating off an endless assortment of colorful boxes. I looked up and a little chi-chi bird was staring down at me from the rafters, seemingly pleading for my help in its quest for escape. 

This bird could only focus on one thing. The sliding doors at the front of the store. If only he looked around. Is there a better place for a bird to be? Every fruit and vegetable at his talon-tips, even birdseed. No offense to Weiden and Kennedy, but could you really get a better nest than cotton candy? 

Everyone narrows their focus on one thing. We miss so much by not looking around, and taking advantage of what we have at our finger tips (thank God we don't have talons). We are all birds in a grocery store, missing the colorful rows of boxes, that in all actuality will clog our arteries and cause diabetes. Scratch that. We are all birds in a Barnes and Noble. Look around. 

Maybe we shouldn't let birds into a bookstore.

how to: write a textbook

So as I'm learning super cool facts, I've decided to start a new section called "how to" in which you will learn "how to" either become awesome or just do something really useful. Today I will sardonically praise oceanography, I will expound upon "how to" write a magnificent oceanography textbook. (Based off of Tom Garrison's Essentials of Oceanography: 5th edition)

- Create hundreds of ambiguous and complex graphs. If anything could explain how the earth was formed, it would have to be a picture of molecules, arrows, "gas clouds" and specks of floating dust with a caption that says "not to scale" (pg. 8).

-Buy stock photos of things that look like Stephen Spielberg made them in 1980. (pg 9,10,29,etc.)

-Take lots of pictures of yourself doing things vaguely related to the ocean. Namely in front of rocks, looking through telescopes, holding hermit crabs, etc. (pg. vii, 37, 324)

-Know everything about the ocean. While it will help you actually write the textbook, you will also finally be the popular guy at parties.

-The hardest part of writing an oceanography textbook, is actually getting to know the emotions of animals. Once you have mastered this, you truly know the ocean intimately; forever will you be bonded. Mr. Garrison is the only known human to have successfully done so. "Sharks have an undeservedly bad reputation. Like other cartilaginous fishes, sharks are not very intelligent and certainly don't hold grudges"    (pg. 311). Unfortunately for Mr. Garrison, when I am intimately bonded with sharks, I am going to tell them he thinks they are unintelligent. Consequently they will probably hold a grudge against him.

The good news: we may all be great textbook authors now. Bad news: I am going to fail my oceanography exam.

depressed.

So I was watching CNN today. This rarely happens as I cannot stand to pay attention to real time news for more than 5 minutes unless it is peppered with humor. News anchors aren't typically know for their sense of humor, except for Ron Burgundy, and unfortunately he is fictional. As I was watching I realized nearly every commercial was for some form of prescription drug, with most of them curing depression. I found some curious similarities in these commercials:

-Nearly all of them take place near water. I've heard drowning is a pleasant way to die. How exactly do we know that is a comfortable way to die? I assume it would be fairly difficult to communicate this piece of knowledge posthumously.

-Many of them are in black in white. Go watch Casablanca or pretty much any movie made prior to color. They make me want to kill myself.

-Several are of people walking along cliffs/ ominous hills in a setting much like the Pacific Northwest. Which part of the country has the highest amount of rainfall? The Pacific Northwest. What makes people sad? Rain. Where is the best place to film a clinically depressed person? Along a cliff. Now that is some real encouragement. Jump! You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Now if you want a real subject who screams postpartum depression check out this Native American sculpture that I found in our rental house.

At first it scared the crap out of me. Then it really scared the crap out of me. She is clearly not enjoying the one on one time she is spending with 5 creepy Indian children. I'm pretty sure she is praying for some sort of escape from her plight, hence the obvious plea to heaven. And I can't tell exactly what her plight is- the unfortunate hairstyle, large number of children, or what are certainly to be clumsy rectangular feet. If pfizer really needs an example of a depressed subject, look no further.

expert.

I was walking up the tremendous hill (slight slope) towards Dallas Hall when I heard someone yelling my name. Fearing insanity, I was relieved when I saw my friend flagging me down near the fountain. We were catching up on summer, travel and television when she hit me with the question of "Where do you want to go to grad school?" I was stunned.

1.) I am a sophomore. Am I supposed to stay awake at night agonizing over something that is literally years away from me?
2.) Most people haven't chosen their major yet. Pretty sure that's a pre-rec for grad school.
3.) What is this push into becoming an expert?

The last thing I ever want to be labeled as is an "expert." To me the process of becoming a specialist includes the act of ignoring a vast amount of information not directly related to your expertise. I enjoy learning about other things too much to focus on one thing. According to Morgenthau, man is to be a composite:

"A man who was nothing but a "political man" would be a beast, for he would be completely lacking in moral restraints. A man who was nothing but "moral man" would be a fool, for he would be completely lacking in prudence. A man who was nothing but" religious man" would be a saint, for he would be completely lacking in worldly desires."

There is simply too much in this world to learn from to sit in a library all day and read the same words rearranged into different sentences. Advanced education is great, but ignoring our environment is a gross misuse of information. Some of the most valuable lessons I've acquired didn't come from a lecture hall. The most formidable teachers are cashiers, the homeless, and bus drivers. Education lies in the off chance you'll take time to listen and learn from them.

instant gratification.

Yesterday I woke to the sound of no rain falling. So basically I woke up to the sound of normal life activity. But it was overcast. Gazing through the leaves I found myself assuming that it was going to be a crisp fall day. And with that thought came the emotions of fall and winter- scarves, cocoa, and at Christmas, the loosely knit camaraderie of acquaintances. I wanted it to be fall yesterday. It was September 1st- in my almanac that is fall. The leaves should be falling right now- and not just because we have a level orange air pollution watch. I ached for fall.

But nothing good comes without patience. Fine wines, pregnancy, and the owner of the *worlds longest mustache prove that good things come to those who wait. So for now I will be patient. I will wait and anticipate autumn in this tropical wasteland.

*if a long mustache is your hearts desire. Or in this case, a fanciful mustache. Question: how is this man bald yet have such an excessive amount of hair in other locations? (Note: that is not a scarf.)